I’m Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today – Brian Asman
Reviewed By Brian Bogart
Scot took a depth breath, then said, “This is going to sound crazy but that levitating homeless man in the parking lot who just got sucked into a hole in the earth is about to become the vessel for a demon, or demon-like entity, I’m not really sure on the taxonomy, because he was having a stroke and in this really bizarre coincidence accidentally said this Latin phrase that rips open the veil between this world and I guess you could call it Hell.”
“Da fuq?” Mohawk asked.
“Yeah, I said the same thing,” Scot sighed. “Last time.”
“You mean, something like this—” Skater Girl waved a hand at the windows at the front of the store, “—you’ve been through something like this before?”
“A long time ago. Back in New Jersey.”
Mohawk and Skater Girl exchanged a look like they’d both caught a whiff of the most rancid fart they’d ever smelled in their lives. “New Jersey?”
Brian Asman brings us a fast-paced bizzaro horror that tries to capture his love of Kevin Smith’s “Askew-niverse”.
Scot has just finished up catching some waves and has a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet his idol. He makes one quick stop into the store along the way. But, thanks to a homeless man spewing forth gibberish in Latin “just right”- due to a seizure- Hell itself stands in the way of his fanboy dreams. Trapped within the convenience store, surrounded by advertising posters of the latest sales and the overcooked stench of gas station hot dogs, he must stand face to face with evil.
Again.
Yep, again.
Whether he was supposed to be there or not… this is the SECOND time he has had to deal with unexpected demonic tomfoolery. Which means he’s prepared, unlike the poor paramedics left bubbling in the molten asphalt of the parking lot outside.
While the idea itself rests on the border of fan fiction, don’t let that term deter you. Asman has some writing chops and that helps to elevate it further than the usual lacklustre fodder littering the internet. Plus, who doesn’t find the idea of a bearded, backwards ball cap and hockey jersey-wearing kaiju demon attacking a convenience store interesting?
Well, maybe some people who prefer their horror to be more grounded (but then again, this IS bizarro). Or people who don’t like Kevin Smith movies. Even if you fall into that category, the references are still easy to get and Asman fills in the blanks, with a sarcastic smile in his narrative. Some well-described bloodletting and a smattering of breaking bones help quicken the pace, too.
Sardonic and over the top, this short piece of fiction wears its influences proudly on its sleeve. Personally, I kept thinking back to the ill-fated CLERKS cartoon. It had that same vibe throughout. I’M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY is a fun little romp easily read in one sitting. It surely will bring a smile to fans of Smith’s work or people who enjoy their horror peppered with satire.
Dante and Randal would be proud.
Salsa shark not included.
I’m Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today
After a killer surf session, Scot Kring stops into his local Fasmart for a delicious, icy Slushpuppy. But before he can leave, a homeless guy outside has a stroke and accidentally recites an ancient Latin phrase that summons a very hungry demon, who just so happens to look like filmmaker Kevin Smith.
Now Scot’s stuck in a time loop along with the other occupants of the convenience store who may or may not be demonically possessed and he’s fighting back with nothing but a fistful of greasy hot dogs and a souvenir Slushpuppy cup as the giant menacing kaiju Kevin Smith threatens to kill them all.
I’m Not Even Supposed to Be Here Today is a demon apocalypse comedy for the slacker generation.
You can buy I’m Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today from Amazon UK & Amazon US
Brian Bogart
Brian Bogart is an American author of dark fiction and horror/fantasy. He has written stories most of his life and has been a fan of the genre since the age of seven. His approach to storytelling is a tad macabre at times but tries to capture the nuances of the humanity and sometimes, inhumanity, beneath the surface. He supports the horror community with bloodied open arms and demonic vigor.
Dream Darkly and Keep Writing.
You can follow Brian on Twitter @DreamsDarkly
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