{Exclusive Fiction} Janine Pipe Can Kill You In 500-ish Words – Janine & Hunter V Janz

Janine & Hunter V Janz

Exclusive short by Janine Pipe

I can kill you in 500-ish words … just like this.

For the sake of this story, I will be referring to the person previously known as Jonathan Janz as JJ. For one, I can’t abide names that are mouthfuls. And two, I might be a cold-hearted killer, but I try not to think about my victims as people.

Anyway, where was I?

Ah yes, of course – JJ.

JJ, was an idiot. Let me clarify that statement. In this particular case, JJ was an idiot. He wasn’t always. Quite the opposite. Erudite, eloquent. Superb writer, excellent teacher, doting husband and father.

But a total twerp when it came down to it, in regard to common sense.

I guess he just didn’t know what was coming.

I’m clever like that.

It’s why of course I have a long, long list of victims.

Only, I don’t usually blab about it.


But I am very proud of this one. Especially since the person who asked me to perform this evil deed, was supposed to be his friend …


As writers of the macabre, we are often asked where we get our sick and twisted ideas from. How we can appear so ‘normal’ and yet write about such depraved and deplorable activities. For me, the answer is simple, I write what I know.

I was born to be a killer. Telling stories about it is just an added kudos, an insider joke that only I get. Until I met Hunter.

We bonded immediately over a joint love of the sick and twisted. And over one too many beers, he let slip that he didn’t believe for one second that JJ could possibly be as perfect as he purveyed.

It was a crock of shit.

No one, could be that proficient at churning out successful book after book without hiding something.

I didn’t plan to kill him at first. I’m not a monster …

Just some careful surveillance, like I’d learnt on the police force.



This dude was clean as a fucking whistle.

Still didn’t make sense though.

I tailed him for weeks. Once we’d ruled out any nefarious activities, we began to wonder if he was in fact, an alien. Or a robot. Even if he had a freaking clone so he could go teach and the real JJ stayed home to write.


It was driving Hunter nuts. He had deadlines, Don was breathing down his neck, Jack berating him for the lack of enthusiasm in their YouTube shows.

Yet, that perfect mother fucker Janz, had somehow managed to write a new book and a screenplay in the time we were watching him?


I had to do something and thankfully, I had a killing itch that needed scratching.

Now, I’m not dumb. I don’t write about the exact methods of execution in my books. That would be fucking stupid. I mix it up a bit. Lots of lycanthropes. Let them get the blame for once.

Humans are easy to track down. Whether through DNA or Modus Operandi.

I know how to overcome all that crap.

I do have one little ‘tell’. A pattern if you will.

But, that can’t be helped.


Fate was on my side yet again.

A small side project that the three of us were working on, a collaboration for Alien Agenda Publishing, needed some tweaking. And you do not want to get on the wrong side of Glenn.

Of course, JJ invited us over to his place. His wife and kids were away at her mom’s for a few days.

It was perfect.

Hunter thought we could get JJ drunk and at last, find out if he was human.

Silly Hunter.

I had plans for both of them.

You see, my favourite thing after watching the police scratching their heads over an unsolvable murder, is when there is no body to start with.

Missing persons are so delicious.

They bring me the most joy.

I thought I’d kill Janz first. In front of Hunter of course, so he got a little taster.



They both sure did taste good.

Considering how damn tall JJ is, I had to use all my tricks. Luckily, I can move fast. And jump high.

I tore out his throat in seconds.


That shocked, befuddled look on his face, as the wound on his neck spurted like a fountain.


I think Hunter pissed himself at that point.

He’d honestly thought we were only messing with him?

But, a girl’s gotta eat, right?

You’d have thought he might have tried to run?

So, he could be the Final Guy?


One bite to the side of his neck, he was on the floor.


Crying like a baby.

I don’t often like to play with my food, but I thought I might open up Hunter’s wrists for a change. Draining blood out of a neck is so cliché. I like to change it up now and again.

Once Hunter was empty, I moved to the prize.

Mr Perfect.

Mr Book-Writing-Machine.

Turns out he was just a really cool dude.


He sure tasted good. Extra blood for me too, what with him being so tall.


You see, that’s my one flaw, my one calling card.


You can’t help it when you’re a bloody vampire though, can you?

I took their bodies with me.

A little-known fact about vampyres … we also like flesh.

And these two would keep me sated for days.

The End.

Janine Pipe

Janine Pipe is a Horror lover and writer who was first introduced to the genre as a child reading ‘Salem’s Lot – and she hasn’t looked back since. She is inspired by Stephen King and cites Glenn Rolfe, Hunter Shea and Jonathan Janz as her favourite current writers. She likes to shock with her writing, there is usually a lot of gore and plenty of swearing …  She is very thankful to her biggest cheerleaders, her husband and daughter and her mentor, Graeme Reynolds. She chews the fat with fellow authors on her blog –  Janine’s Ghost Stories and reviews for Scream Magazine and Nightworms.

You can find her work at Tales to Terrify, Ghost Stories the Podcast and The Horror Tree. Several of her short stories have been published, including an all female anthology with Kandisha Press. She is currently writing a splatterpunk novella about a teenage vampire hunter. . 

Check her blog here – https://janinesghoststories.wordpress.com/

Follow her on Twitter here – https://twitter.com/disneynine

Join her Patreon gang here – https://www.patreon.com/Janines_ghost_stories

Come and join me on Patreon where, for just $1 per month, I will write you a story (approx 500-1k words) where you will die. You might face your greatest fear, or maybe battle with your dream monster. Either way, it’ll be fun, probably bloody and quite possibly a little bit silly. Just ask JJ and Hunter …

Join the gang before October to be part of a special Halloween party too.

Hunter Shea & Jonathan Janz

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