Christmas Gift Guide 2018
Ben Walker
What do you buy for the horror lover who says they’ve got everything they want? A ghost, of course. Bet they haven’t got one of those knocking around the house. Needless to say, tracking down a spirit willing to possess a new home instead of the cushy digs they’re currently dribbling ectoplasm all over isn’t the easiest of tasks. That’s why I’ve tracked down a few items to save you dragging the old proton-pack out of mothballs to catch a ghoul yourself.
#1 – Dave Powell’s Ghost Bottle
I was quite excited to read this eBay listing, so imagine my disappointment on learning that this bottle doesn’t actually contain the ghost of Dave Powell. Whoever that is. No, this is one of those bottles that looks like it’s refilling itself, like those so-called magicsippy cups you can buy for a toddler’s fake baby. If this came in a nice box with some accompanying guff about a put-upon exorcist forced to use a nearby Coke bottle to whack a troubled poltergeist into, then maybe you could pull a fast one on the paranormal fan in your life. This is £14 though (or was, if already sold by the time you read this), so if you really want to give someone a ghost in a bottle, you could just breathe into an empty one yourself and call it spectral residue.
#2 – Haunted Vaginas
Okay, look. I’m not suggesting putting a ghost anywhere untoward. But there’s obviously a market for spooky front bottoms, and instead of getting some random spectre to lurk around someone’s nether regions, you could look into buying someone else’s take on eerie lady parts.
Most (in)famously of all, there’s Jim Balent’s Tarot series, specifically issue #53 which features the immortal-thanks-to-the-internet line: “Samantha Brown! […] Your vagina is haunted!” – as spoken by a leather jacket wearing hero who bursts through Ms Brown’s window to yell this important warning directly at her breasts. You have to see it to believe it (not when you’re at work please), and Balent offers back copies through his website, which you can even get signed. Hopefully he’s a good sport about all the memes.
For a more in-depth look into…erm, okay, I’m going to stop that sentence there. Carlton Mellick III is no stranger to controversial plots, and his book – The Haunted Vagina – delivers exactly what it says on the cover, with Mellick’s usual brand of bizarro horror (and sex, natch) mixed with an outrageously daft premise and plenty of black humour.
#3 – Stan
Back in the day, medical students were spoiled for choice when it came to cadavers, but I guess boring stuff like decency caused the eventual swing towards resin replicas of skeletons. Thing is, do you really know where those bones came from? Really? Take Stan here for example. Sure, he’s a model – but who was Stan? Did he know that would-be doctors the world over would be gawking at his inner workings for decades after his demise? I say no. I imagine Stan was a very private person in life, and now his essence feels a vengeful stab of anger each time one of these life-size versions of his body is sold. So snag a Stan for the reduced price of £219.98 if you must, but one day you might hear the words “bury me again”close to your ear, in the dark.
#4 – A Haunted Doll
If you’ve watched Annabelle, The Conjuring or any of the brazen knock-offs, and thought to yourself “naaaah, that wouldn’t happen,” here’s your chance to test your mettle. The link above takes you to Etsy, to an offering from a store titled GRANDMASHAUNTEDITEMS. You already know you’re in for a good time in a shop like that, and “Schizophrenia haunted doll” – a steal at just £82.29 – looks very much like it’s going to wait until you’re asleep then drink your soul through your eyeballs. If you’re into that kind of thing. Boasting a minimum of 2 personalities, and the promise that she’s caused at least one death, why not let this cute little thing sit on the end of your bed? Or give it to someone you hate, I dunno.
#5 – Haunted Chips
Both the Amityville franchise and the Friday the 13th TV series taught us that you can haunt pretty much anything, from a lamp to a beehive. Much rarer are haunted foodstuffs, because let’s face it, if a ghost decided to possess a Pot Noodle, they’d be the laughing stock of limbo. Imagine my surprise then when I discovered a mass-market haunted corn chip! Tostitos of Terror! The devil’s Dorito!
Oh wait, these are just ghost pepper flavoured nachos.
Not that the diminutive bhut jolokia is anything to laugh about of course, and Paqui make a chip that’s both tasty and infernally hot. Still, the only thing you’ll be busting after you open a pack of these is your toilet.
As obvious as it might be, here is an ALL CAPS DISCLAIMER: neither myself nor any of the Kendall Reviews team recommend that you buy a ghost for real. If you’re still tempted, I urge you to watch this cautionary documentary before you make any rash decisions:
Ben Walker
Ben Walker is a British reviewer/writer who had his tiny mind ruined by an illicit viewing of John Carpenter’s The Thing when he was a young lad, and his mind is still pretty tiny and ruined now. His past review credits include reviews & interviews on the sadly defunct UK Horror Scene website. Nowadays you can find him on YouTube talking about the weird books & movies that tickle his fancy.
You can follow Ben on Twitter @BensNotWriting
Please visit Ben’s blog here
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