Xmas Gift Guide 2019
Specially Selected for the Fiends of Kendall Reviews by Ben Walker
OK, so you’re all stocked up on vengeful skeletons and potentially deadly nachos after last year’s gift guide, so where do you go from there? What could possibly top a haunted vagina? Fear not, you thirsty consumers, because I’ve braved the internet to find you five more gift ideas for the horror fan in your life, or even yourself. Go on, treat yourself before the icecaps wash us all away.
#1 – Anti-Haunted Doll Beads – Last year, I suggested buying a haunted doll, of which there are still tons on eBay and etsy, along with haunted teddy bears, haunted photos and more besides. So if you’ve accidentally cursed you or your relatives with a buttload of Annabelles, these beads (which are totally not just charity shop pearl necklaces with nail varnish slapped on them) may be your only hope. Also, they contain steel nails according to the description, so that’s a bonus for DIY fanatics.
#2 – Serial killer décor – Covering your walls in John Wayne Gacy’s clown paintings or framed Charles Manson records is pretty on the nose. There are far more subtle ways to make your friends think that you’re secretly pushing strangers into the local river after stealing their toenails, and that’s by putting framed bugs on your wall. The one I’ve linked to here is a good start, slightly comical thanks to its LOOK AT MY MUSCLES, BRO posing, so you can pass it off as a joke at dinner parties. There are plenty more examples, perhaps some dried butterflies for that Silence of the Lambs vibe, or for fans of untitled goose game, a goose. Imagine that beady-eyed bastard next to your bathroom sink, sizing up the hand soap. You could, of course, graduate to covering your own chairs in human toenails, but that’s more of a long term project.
#3 – Surgical limbs – Okay, you’re not the serial killer chic type. Maybe you prefer medical curiosities, and what could be more curious than the ANATOMICAL PHLEBOTOMY SIMULATION ARM, with all the equipment you need to accurately remove blood from what looks like a prop from the original Dawn of the Dead. Fill with juice and let the kids guess what flavour you used! Fill it with vodka so your party guests can squirt it into each other’s mouths until you begin to question your life choices! There are literally several fun applications for this terrifying item, which is part of a whole series of fake, injectable/phlebotomisable (spell check please?) limbs, organs and good old fashioned chunks of fake human skin. Yes, even a small intestine. Wear it as a scarf! Thrill your neighbours!
#4 – Robot disguises – If the icecaps don’t get us then surely robot dogs that can open doors will, and if you haven’t got a doggy dish full of iron filings ready for them, they’ll probably carve you open like a Christmas ham. So why not gift your family something to fool those robotic shits? The gift of dressing like a robot. To round out the look, your auntie Susan can practise her sweet robot moves by reading this. Little Bradley will sound just like Metal Mickey (and probably ask who Metal Mickey was) with one of these. The terminators will never suspect a thing, and if they do, go for something even more realistic, like this. Or this. And if all else fails, just pull their fucking batteries out, dummy.
#5 – Seagull wine – Sadly, you can’t just rock up to your local Bargain Booze and demand this one-of-a-kind drink, but apparently if you take a trip to Iceland (the place, not the shop) or its original home, the Arctic Circle, you might be lucky enough to sample this ghastly tipple. The enterprising amongst you could always copy the recipe and stuff an expired gull in a bottle with some water, then leave it in the sun to ferment for a while. I like to mix mine with a splash of vodka, to make a cocktail called Hedren’s Revenge. Mmm, tastes like bad decisions.
Ben got a taste for terror after sneaking downstairs to watch The Thing from behind the sofa at age 9. He’s a big fan of extreme & bizarre horror and well as more psychological frights, and most things in between. When he’s not reading, he’s writing, and when he’s not writing he’s on twitter @BensNotWriting or reviewing books on his YouTube channel, BLURB.